October 30, 2013

Thoughts on 26

I was told once that if I was in my comfort zone, I needed to get out of it. I'm here to say that I am completely out of my comfort zone right now.

When Dallin and I discussed the possibility of us moving to California, I remember having this overwhelming feeling of peace about the decision, a knowledge that this was where we needed to be. I also had this powerful knowledge that this would be a place where I would be required to stretch, grow, be forced out of my comfort zone. I didn't know what all that growth would entail, and that scared me, but I knew this was the place I needed to be.

Two weeks after we moved here, I started to recognize the early signs of pregnancy. I was tired, hungry all the time but constantly nauseous, etc. I really wanted to ignore the signs and pretend like they were all a happy coincidence, but I knew better. I took a test, it came out positive and so being the rational person I am, took another just to be absolutely sure. I really didn't need to take another test. I knew.  I started laughing after I saw the tests, sitting there side by side on the bathroom counter. I figured laughing was a much better alternative to crying. This wasn't in the cards. We were not planning on this. Claire was still adjusting to having Declan in her life and to a big move. Declan was only 7.5 months old. We were just starting a new job with a new income and living in an apartment that was way too expensive (like all housing in California.) We had a huge student loan looming in the distance that we needed to start chipping away at. This baby didn't fit into our plans at all. 

Immediate guilt set in as I thought of all the women in this world who would be crying tears of joy at this news, including some among my own family and here I was fighting back tears with laughter. I sat there and asked, "why? Why didn't this come to someone so much more deserving than I? Why not to these amazing women whom I am related to that are so much better than me?  Why me?" Yes, I had the audacity to think, "why me?" stupid, selfish girl that I am.

Now, I've come to terms with this baby coming into our lives and rocking our world. I am excited. I am scared. I am overwhelmed. I am grateful. I don't know the struggles I will face in the coming months and year, but I know that 26 is not going to be comfortable, and I'm ok with that. I need to grow. I need to be stretched. I need to be tested. I don't really want to, because change is never comfortable and it's usually always a little scary, but it helps us become the person we never knew we could be. And I am so excited to see how this little person helps our family grow. What gender will they be? What personality traits will they have? Will they have curly hair or straight? Blue eyes or brown or green? Short or tall? Chubby or spindly? Will they look like a Calaway/Kent or a Henry/Mathews? I can't wait to find out.

So, 26 isn't turning out the way I imagined it would. It's turning out much, much better.

Mom's 26th Birthday October 30, 2013


chenry said...

So now i'm crying tears....of joy! Joy for the amazing woman you've become and for a sweet, beautiful new grandchild and tears for the hard days you'll have when I'm too far away to help and can only offer words of encouragement and prayers in your behalf. I love you!!

Lisa Mabey said...

Thank you for this post! I needed it today (and yesterday, and tomorrow). Moving and pregnancy and little ones all combined are hard, but I'm so glad you're ready for the challenge. We didn't get to know each other hardly at all before I moved, but I always appreciated your smile, generosity, and positive attitude!