I've said it before on this blog before and I'll say it again right now- being a mother has ALWAYS been the end goal for me. A career never held any appeal whatsoever for me. It was always becoming a mother that tickled my fancy. That being said, it's been really hard lately. My days are consumed with coaxing my 3 year old to let herself go poop (yes, she holds it in as long as she possibly can for reasons unknown to us) trying to force yet another meal down her throat so that she doesn't get any skinnier (I wish I had that problem) trying to communicate to my 1 year old not to scream at the top of his lungs when his food isn't in front of him INSTANTLY, keeping him away from the trash can, as it is his favorite place to find new "toys" and keeping the peace between the two. This is basically my day, all day. There is the occasional book reading, coloring book session, puzzle putting together or outing to the park, but really, my days are consumed by these two little humans, and I. am. exhausted.
I knew being a mother was going to mean having hard moments, but I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't realize the monotony of a day and the overwhelming frustration I would feel with my children and myself (especially myself). I didn't realize my life would be centered around things like bowel movements and teething and nutrition, or lack thereof.
And so, the other morning, I had myself an awesomely huge pity party. I looked at the mound of dishes in front of me that I had let accumulate for way too long and I just cried. I cried tears of frustration and anger and sadness and loneliness. I felt totally and utterly alone. And as I let all those hot tears course down my cheeks, I plead to my Heavenly Father for comfort. I've read the scripture in Matthew about letting the Savior take our burdens away and carrying them for us, but I just didn't know how it was accomplished. Was it really so simple as to say, "take this away from me, it's too hard for me to carry"? Could I really just let it all go and share that load with my Savior? I decided to have a little faith and test it out. I prayed for all my inadequacies as a mother, all my frustrations, all my grievances, all my worries to be taken away.
I cried a little longer, wiped my eyes, tackled that pile of dishes and something miraculous happened. I felt light. I felt happy. I felt peace. It really was as easy as asking for my burdens to be taken away. How that works, I can't tell you. All I can say is that it does work. My testimony of prayer was strengthened that day. My testimony of my Heavenly Father and Savior being so aware of me was strengthened that day.
It's still hard to be a mother some days. I still have moments of frustration and guilt. But I know now with a certainty, that I can always turn to my Savior and ask that he helps me out in bearing my burdens, and he'll do just that. He'll give me the strength I need and I will be able to continue forward with peace and hope and joy.
And that makes this motherhood thing a whole lot easier.
|One of my all time favorite pictures of my two greatest blessing. January 2013|