February 10, 2014

Motherhood is hard.

I feel like I have been in a rut lately. A big, fat rut that is trying its darndest to make sure I stay there. We've all been sick off and on for the past 4-5 months and it has taken its toll physically as well as emotionally. I'm exhausted every day. I swear my energy just never totally came back after the first trimester with this one (probably due to the sickness that has been hanging over our home like a thick fog!) And each day, I find myself struggling with this whole motherhood thing.

I've said it before on this blog before and I'll say it again right now- being a mother has ALWAYS been the end goal for me. A career never held any appeal whatsoever for me. It was always becoming a mother that tickled my fancy. That being said, it's been really hard lately. My days are consumed with coaxing my 3 year old to let herself go poop (yes, she holds it in as long as she possibly can for reasons unknown to us) trying to force yet another meal down her throat so that she doesn't get any skinnier (I wish I had that problem) trying to communicate to my 1 year old not to scream at the top of his lungs when his food isn't in front of him INSTANTLY, keeping him away from the trash can, as it is his favorite place to find new "toys" and keeping the peace between the two. This is basically my day, all day. There is the occasional book reading, coloring book session, puzzle putting together or outing to the park, but really, my days are consumed by these two little humans, and I. am. exhausted.

I knew being a mother was going to mean having hard moments, but I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't realize the monotony of a day and the overwhelming frustration I would feel with my children and myself (especially myself). I didn't realize my life would be centered around things like bowel movements and teething and nutrition, or lack thereof.

And so, the other morning, I had myself an awesomely huge pity party. I looked at the mound of dishes in front of me that I had let accumulate for way too long and I just cried. I cried tears of frustration and anger and sadness and loneliness. I felt totally and utterly alone. And as I let all those hot tears course down my cheeks, I plead to my Heavenly Father for comfort. I've read the scripture in Matthew about letting the Savior take our burdens away and carrying them for us, but I just didn't know how it was accomplished. Was it really so simple as to say, "take this away from me, it's too hard for me to carry"? Could I really just let it all go and share that load with my Savior? I decided to have a little faith and test it out. I prayed for all my inadequacies as a mother, all my frustrations, all my grievances, all my worries to be taken away.

I cried a little longer, wiped my eyes, tackled that pile of dishes and something miraculous happened. I felt light. I felt happy. I felt peace. It really was as easy as asking for my burdens to be taken away. How that works, I can't tell you. All I can say is that it does work. My testimony of prayer was strengthened that day. My testimony of my Heavenly Father and Savior being so aware of me was strengthened that day.

It's still hard to be a mother some days. I still have moments of frustration and guilt. But I know now with a certainty, that I can always turn to my Savior and ask that he helps me out in bearing my burdens, and he'll do just that. He'll give me the strength I need and I will be able to continue forward with peace and hope and joy.

And that makes this motherhood thing a whole lot easier.

One of my all time favorite pictures of my two greatest blessing. January 2013


Lindsey said...

Motherhood was always my dream job, and it was a rude awakening how hard it really was for me too. Sometimes having a good cry is what I need to be able to move on, and I am always grateful for my knowledge of the Savior and the peace that brings me in the hard times. From what I have seen you are an amazing mother to your sweet babies, and they are so lucky to have you. Here's to another day in the motherhood trenches!! :)

Em and Ms said...

It's funny how often we think we are alone in our feelings - we view all these other people who seem to do it all and grow frustrated with ourselves. I've found as I get out and spend time with other moms (even when I feel like I don't have time or energy) it connects me to them and makes me realize that we all struggle and are just trying to do our best.

I love your thought of turning your burden over to the Savior. He truly can strengthen and help us even in our day-to-day struggles.

Some things that have helped me get through tough days are to try and recognize the little blessings or small moments that make me smile and cherish those. I look at my kids acting goofy and actually playing together, even for a minute, and forget about the mess they are creating. I give them an extra snuggle or watch them while they are sleeping. Realize that you really are doing your best, even if things aren't perfect. Realize how much your kids love you despite your perceived imperfections.

Ha! Sorry for the blog post in your comments. This is just something I definitely struggle with from time to time. Hang in there! It's hard, but definitely worth it!

Classroom Decor and More said...

Ashley my sweet cousin, don't feel guilty for any such inadequacies as a mother. There is not a manual on motherhood. We learn as we go. You are patient, kind, reasonable and loving. Any child would be fortunate to have those qualities in a mother as yours are! Some days we just need to release our emotions and sit quietly, pray and let the tears flow. Those ARE NOT a sign of being a bad mother, those are actually signs of a woman with strength. We care for our children 24/7. It is not a job that you can leave at the office at 5 everyday. Being a mother is the hardest job you will ever do but know in your heart it is exactly where you were called to be.
Just know that it is not what you are doing as a parent that is wrong, but that our children are individuals and learn at different rates. And sometimes our littles need more intervention than others in order to make their surroundings less stressful and adjustable. You were chosen to be the mother of these precious gifts from our savior for a reason. Because you love unconditionally! You are an awesome mom, young woman, spouse and friend! 🙏💜