September 9, 2009

Big Thanks

I just want to thank everyone for their sweet words and support over the last few days. I feel so loved and I am incredibly grateful that I have so many people out there who are very supportive and kind. I am truly blessed.

I also want to let everyone know that we are doing great. Every once in a while I do get a little twinge of sadness when I see a sweet little baby or a pair of really cute tiny shoes or something like that. :) But overall, I am fine. The day we found out was the hardest. And the Dr. we had just kinda laid it all out on the table; no softening of blows or anything. Which was probably the best way for it to be put out there for me. After he told me they hadn't found a heartbeat, he said, "I think this is just God and Nature's way of telling you that this baby wasn't developing right and it could place on you a burden you might not be able to handle." As those words sunk in, I thought, "yeah, that makes sense." And it felt right.

I was proud of myself too. I didn't cry when he told me. I didn't cry when he told me my options for losing the baby, whether I wanted a D&C or just to lose it naturally. I didn't cry when he told me that we needed to wait at least 3 to 4 months before we should try again. But then, the ultrasound tech asked me if I wanted the picture of the baby. And then the floodgates opened. And it hit me. Hard. And I cried. And it hurt. But then, I regained my composure, took the picture of our little peanut, and we went and scheduled for the D&C. And then I called my mom and once again the tears were a-flowin. But with each person that I talked to throughout the day, the tears dried up and didn't come as easily. I came to terms with everything. And I felt good. Except for the cramps that magically started. And got excessively worse over the course of the next couple of days until by thursday morning about 1:00 am I was in full blown labor (well, it felt like it at least :)) I no longer called them cramps, but contractions. They were horrible. And I wanted to die. And my D&C wasn't until 7:00 am, so 6 hours from then. But I made it there, they gave me sweet pain meds to relieve me, and before I knew it, I was asleep and awake in the blink of an eye. And feeling OH SO MUCH BETTER! I felt like everything was done. I was done with everything. It felt great.

So now, here I am, a little over a week after I found out, and I feel good. It still kinda stinks when people tell me congratulations and I have to tell them, "oh, I actually just had a miscarriage." And then they feel bad (which they totally shouldn't, they didn't know!) But, it still kinda stings. So, we're going on with life, we'll try to start our family again when the timing feels right and when we feel the Lord thinks its a good time and for the time being, we'll focus on school and work. By the way, did I mention the best news ever? Dallin is done after this semester! Hallelujah! That light at the end of the tunnel is getting so much brighter. It's right there. We're so excited! For those of you who are curious, he is graduating in Agricultural Business and he wants to continue on to get his MBA. Hopefully at University of Oregon, Oregon State or Willamette University. All three are within like an hour of each other down in Oregon. So, it'd be pretty awesome if we could go down there. Plus, Marcus and Ashley are down in Willamette going to Law School and Jen and Cory are thinking of going to U of O for Cory to get his MBA. So who knows, we could get the whole fam damily down there! :) It'd be a blast, whatever happens.

Anyhow, sorry about all this information, this is kind of my journal of life events, so all you cyber-readers get to know me way better than you ever wanted to. :) Dallin starts school Friday, so I'll post his cute back to school photo on here and you all can stare at my "eye candy" husband. :) What can I say, I have a super hot husband! Enjoy your evenings, thank you once again for your love and support and God Bless every single one of you!


Jennilyn said...

Ashley, I was so sorry to hear your news. You are amazing to be able to handle something so hard so well. Didn't you just love Dr. M? I think he put it well. I have to tell myself daily that the Lord has a plan for me. We may not like it at the time and it might be hard, but in the end we can always look back and realize it was for the best. You guys are amazing and I hope you enjoy your last semester in Rexburg!

Andrew and Jenna said...

You are a strong woman! It's so reassuring that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and He knows what He's doing. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, but it is clearly a trial that you could handle! That's awesome that your husband is almost done with school. Andrew finished in April and it's pure bliss. Good luck with everything!

tharker said...

I'm so happy that you are feeling lots of love from friends and family, and most important, comfort and peace from our Father in Heaven. He is aware of you, Ashley and knows what is best for you and Dallin and your future family. Keep trusting in Him.

Love to you!

The Two of Us said...

Ashley...what an amazing person you are. You are truly so special. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, but it is so true that it is all in Gods hands and he knows what is best for us. He will comfort and guide you!

Lisa said...

I have been thinking a lot about you and wondering how you were handling I was happy to read this post and see that you are okay.

I think having a positive attitude means everything in life. I remember when I was pregnant with Elisabeth, and we were still expecting her to die, and I made a conscious choice to be positive; and people seemed amazed by it. But I told them that one way or another my life was going to go on, and I could be miserable and feel sorry for myself, or I could enjoy the moments I was having with her (feeling her little kicks) and be happy that she was mine for eternity. I chose to be happy, and it looks like you are too :)

Take care :)