May 20, 2010

Wait, You're Saying I Don't Know Everything??

The most common question I get asked these days is, "what's going on in your life? what are your plans?" To which I gulp and then try to provide an adequate answer. I mean, for heaven's sake, I am about to have a baby! I should have life figured out by now, right? Ha! Unfortunately, I do not. To prove this point, continue reading.

At the beginning of this year, we were in limbo (much like we are now) and I was sick of it. I wanted to KNOW. I NEEDED to know. Where were we going to be a month from then? What was Dallin going to do concerning school? Where was he going to go to school? Were we going to be in Pasco for the summer? Or Oregon? Or somewhere else in the continental US? What was the plan?! I couldn't stand this, "fly by the seat of your pants" thing I was doing. It's the planner in me. I just needed something solid. But, I wasn't getting it. So then, I started getting grumpy. And then, I just got miserable. Why was my life so confusing? I thought once I got married, most of my questions would be answered. No more guessing, right? I found my knight in shining armor, so why the heck didn't I have the castle?! Ok, I didn't need the castle just yet, but I wanted something definite. I was sick of wondering and then trying to answer the question that kept popping up in conversation, "what are your plans?" Then, one day, I woke up and I realized, "I'm not happy." Now, for those of you that know me and have known me for a long time, you know I am a happy person! I always have been! So when I made this realization, I thought, "I want to be happy. I don't like being sad." So, what was I going to do to change it? How was I going to be happy again? I then had a sudden realization. I was just going to be happy. That's all. I was going to make the CHOICE to be happy. I didn't need someone to sit there and give me all the answers. I, personally, just needed to make the choice to be happy. And so I did. And then, NEWS FLASH, I realized I didn't know everything. And I didn't NEED to know everything. But I was happy. Cause I said I was gonna be. I figured out I just needed to remember that I had a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and knows my circumstance. He's not going to lead me in the wrong direction. He's going to make sure that if I am doing what I need to be doing, He'll do what He's promised me He'll do.

A couple months later, I happened upon a scripture that I had forgotten about, though it is one of my absolute favorites. It is in 1 Nephi 11:17, "And I said unto him: I know that he (God) loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." After reading that, I realized, it's ok not to know everything. Nephi, who obviously knew a whole heckuva lot more than I do, still didn't know everything! But that was ok for him, because he knew that his Heavenly Father loved him! I just need to be more like Nephi, dang it! I am so grateful for those who have gone before me and are so much more wise than I who have taught me some of the greatest lessons to be learned.


Megan said...

Happiness is your choice I think. You just have to get in the right attitude. I've been in limbo many times and you really do just need that. I'm glad you've discovered it. I'm a planner too and have really had to learn to relax since I married my farmer prince (or knight in shining armor).

Em and Ms said...

It's great you're recording these feelings, because I'm sure you'll need to remember them over and over. Matt and I finally came to the realization that life is never going to slow down, it just changes.

Blaine, Hillary & Colton said...

Ha, ha. That need to know everything--direct page ripped from the page of my life. Spot on with everything you have said. Great scripture.
It is funny, there is the life I thought I would have and the one I am living. The latter has been so much better than the former. I wouldn't change it for the world.
Why ride the merry go round when you're holding a ticket for Everest. The fear and risk is worth the thrill. Especially when you are strapped in next to your best friend for the ride!
Love you. I look forward to your comments everyday-they give me strength. You keep baking that nephew/niece. I cannot wait to see you guys. (ok-actually I can. I plan on waiting a while. Lol.) but you know what I mean.

tharker said...

So true, Ashley. It is definitely a choice to be happy. You do happy so well, it's hard for me to even imagine you NOT being happy ;)

Lisa said...

I know what you mean about wanting to know what's in the plans. It drives me crazy if I don't know exactly where my life is headed.

But you are wise to just 'go with it'....and to find happiness along the way. Life is too good to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves, right?

Love you!

caltrd said...

Ashley, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm so glad to read that you have decided to be happy. I just can't imagine you unhappy for very long. It isn't your true nature. Besides who can be unhappy around Dallin?

Your post made me think of a couple of scriptures that have helped me get back to my own happy place when I felt lost and alone.

Proverbs 3: 5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine understanding
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 29: 25
25 The fear of man ringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe.

I think that 2nd reference has the most enlightening message. Fear ringeth a snare. Playing to our fears can trap us and keep us from reaching our potential and overcoming our weaknesses. Fear is the opposite of faith and can really suppress our ability to experience happiness. The Savior said, "Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid", "but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world", "Come, Follow Me". Our challenge is to accept his invivation to follow him whereever we may be. We can start by being of good cheer, by being not afraid, by truly trusting him and thereby overcome the world. In doing so we learn that happiness is a decision that he is trying to get us to make. After all, we are that me might have joy. It is a lifelong process of learning and re-learning for all of us. Enjoy the journey. We love and pray for you.

Dad Calaway